This is an “encore” post from My3Sunz
At some point, I questioned my self-worth as a parent. I wanted to blame society and sub cultures that emit beliefs: All good kids take classes that prepare them for college. Good kids are happy, well rounded and driven. Good kids = good parents. If my kids were not that, would the opposite imply something about their parents? Seeds of doubt were forming. I thought I encouraged individuality, promoted their worthiness with heartfelt belief, but did I? Because when addiction took residence, I became overly involved in trying to mold, re-direct, manage and control what they were doing. Irritatingly unsuccessful, it was here that I started to have DOUBTS about my parenting ability and second guess decisions I made. The family disease progressed and my confident motherhood went haywire. On the outside I was doing fine. On the inside…a different story.
With counseling and support groups I learned how I was measuring myself against what others thought of me, even society. I was measuring my worthiness as a parent against my child’s success, happiness and failures. IF THEY ARE NOT DOING WELL, I WON’T BE DOING WELL EITHER! This was during the daytime. At nighttime my mind would re-play past events, I would question where I went wrong, what I should have done differently, why I did not see the signs; I reminded myself that a competent parent would have! Days turn to months, then years. Over time, this skewed thinking and behavior affected my self-worth.
I chose another way: I chose to learn about the family disease and the effect on me. I chose to relearn how to care about me, to accept that I too am worthy and worthwhile and to stop relying on others to measure myself. I was my own best critic and enemy. I sometimes say, “don’t believe everything your mind tells you, it may be a lie” and the rooms of recovery remind us that “you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.” Most importantly, I had to get over myself. I was so vain to think that this was about me.
